Scissor Happy


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The other day I brought my bundle of fluffy love Chow Chow X back from the beach.

She spent most of the time getting frightened by horrid little screeching children and at the end of the outing her nerves were shattered

On arriving home I decided a little pamper session is just what Teddy (for she looks like a little teddy bear) needed to recover her senses.

Out came the grooming brushes and I start grooming her thick luscious coat. However on closer inspection I spotted some matted bits behind her neck.

So I whip out the scissors and I start channeling my inner dog groomer.

All going well so far – snipping little knots under her armpits, a little bit on her shoulders and now for those pesky strands on her neck.

Teddy is looking chilled, enjoying the love as I begin cutting through a thick piece of matted fur. As I snip my way through the fuzz all seems great until I see a little trickle of red winding its way down her neck. OMG!!!!! I release the scissors from their cutting position to hear teddy making the tiniest little cry as if to say “Thank God she stopped the torture I knew if I prayed long enough she’d stop “.

NOOooooooooo! (Screamed in best slow motion manner). I had sliced a piece of my precious child’s flesh off her neck. Panic stricken I sat there holding her wound while she trustingly looked up at me probably thinking to herself “ If I smile at her maybe she wont hurt me anymore “.

Sob sob how could I have confused fur with Teddy’s neck? Tears streaming down my face as I contemplate whether this is considered child abuse my mother calls a vet we know. The vet starts laughing as my mother continues to explain that I have passed out after machete-ing my pooch with a pair of scissors. Vet says not to worry if it’s stopped bleeding and is only a flesh wound. A pair of clean scissors would not do too much harm considering dogs usually have to contend with dog fights involving dirty teeth. Vet laughs and says she thinks I need more medical attention by the sounds of things.

So for the next hour as Teddy bounds past me with a smile on her face I randomly burst into tears wondering when Childline is gonna knock on the front door.

Thankfully all is well until a week later when we decide, seeing as the flap of skin on Teddy’s neck is still blowing in the wind, we should get our vet to remove it. Horrified he suggests surgery which sends me into torrents of tears. Shamefully this is the second time I’ve sent a family pet to surgery but I’m not going into details except to say the first time it involved a blind, geriatric pug and a boerbul.

So poor little Teddy is wheeled into surgery which Hurray is a success. She returned none the wiser, happier than ever my guilt slighty assuaged. All’s well that ends well.

Or so I thought….

An unfortunate side effect of painkillers and anesthetic is a touch of the runs in the canine nether regions.

Poor Teddy or should I say poor me. I approached her derriere with some toilet paper and began pulling off some dried dangle-berries which is a weekly event in itself.

Unfortunately as a result of aforementioned painkiller combo the final piece of dried turd was not in fact dry at all. Teddy had exacted her revenge! With a slightly doped-up look on her face I was forced to clean her noxious arse while she lay there smirking at me.

As much as I would like to have given Teddy the last laugh sadly she was forced to wear a pair of tailored undergarments to prevent any accidents in the night.

I know you’d think after injuring my dog I would have at least left Teddy her dignity, alas not on this occasion.

Teddy was not amused

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