Today I met my future-self.
She was about 5.5ft, sporting blue rinsed hair and a little twin set.
Let us call her Shirley.
I first encountered Shirley this morning as I walked slowly (note my previous blog entry J ) into the Checkers in Meadowridge – a bustling hive of elderly shenanigans.
As we both happened to walk into the shop side by side, a middle aged woman (you know the type- slightly chubby, sporting a dodgy box dye and man’s haircut with Capri pants exposing thick ankles- lets call her Fran ) walked into poor old Shirley bashing her in the shoulder. Not an “oops ‘, “I’m sorry “or an “Excuse me “escaped Fran’s thin lips.
Now if there’s anything that sends me into wild, obscenity ridden outbursts in shopping centers all over the southern ‘burbs, it is when people walk into me or run their trolleys over my feet with not even a look in my direction let alone a sorry.
So when I saw poor little Shirley being “assaulted “in this manner I turned to her shaking my head and said: “I hate when people do that “only to have Shirley blurt out in a very modern manner “BITCH! I hate when people do that “. I had met my geriatric counterpart .A soul mate in the aisles of suburban shopping centers if you will.
I replied agreeing with Shirley what a rude sow Fran is only to have Shirley regale me her evil stories of revenge. Some of her ambushes were subtle. She proudly told me when people leave their shopping trolleys in the way of others, when the said trolley pusher isn’t looking she (Shirley) quickly snatches the offending transport and wheels it to the other side of the shop. This little gremlin of a gerry had me in stitches.
Her fait accompli though has to be the revenge she exacts on those Fran’s of the world who brazenly bash into her and don’t apologise. When they are not watching over their trolley Shirley grabs a large packet of Rough Rider prophylactics and hides it under their purchases only to watch with much pleasure when the women see the surprise addition to their groceries 😉
So when next you accidentally knock someone in a shopping center I advise you to be polite and say sorry or else you might not like what you find when the cashier goes through your goods.
Shirley you rock!!