Listen

So as some of you know if you have read my blog you may have seen depression has touched my life a few times during my twenties. Only till I started Reiki did I finally learn how to heal the deep-seated issues. Now issues are not unique we all have ’em. For me I had been to therapy a few times and the last time was the best of a very bad bunch (ok I’d only ever been 4 times before)  because she did help calm me during a stressful state, but none of them ever had much insight into why I was the way I was – I knew all my issues and they knew that I knew what they were – their response would be: “be kind to yourself and listen”. I walked away feeling a little cheated and wanting my money back- like OF COURSE I know we have to be kind and love ourselves but why am I not healed yet. I tell myself  I forgive myself of past mistakes but I still don’t feel better – depression still sneaks into my life WTF man! This isn’t the agreed trade-off.

So anyways as I mentioned, I went to reiki for the first time 2 weeks ago and you can read about it on my blog.

The amazing thing was within 2 weeks of reiki I took some leave and I just felt what she told me to feel. I have never had any issues feeling or expressing myself, if anything I express myself way too much – hideously honest, to a fault most times and I react to everything. Lately I had friends saying feel but don’t react – feel then observe then react. I didn’t get it (logically I did but putting it into practice was different) but after reiki I did.

When people say listen to yourself many of us make the mistake to go take a bubble bath and listen to our thoughts AND THAT my friends is the problem. Our thoughts are not us – thoughts can be wrong or distorted by emotions, in fact often distorted by emotions. To listen to oneself you need to listen to your soul.

Reiki let me hear my soul, that part of me beyond my thoughts. I actually can listen if I shut the noise in my head. I can slow down just enough to hear “me”. The irony is when depression does grab hold its the extreme opposite of my natural self – I don’t think, my brain goes numb and I can barely speak to anyone – which of course freaks people out beyond belief because I am generally so high energy and go-go-go whenever I am present in a room or space. And that high energy version of me is actually a great way of not letting people think I am scared or not in control, scared that my depression could return, or that I don’t believe in myself. Some people drink for courage some of us talk a lot and fake it till we make it baby, but if you”re not careful you’re liable to just burn out.

Finally I realised listening requires the brain to stop working stuff out and just be. I had read about it before with regards to Mindfulness but I still didn’t “get it” and that made me so irritated.

When I finally listened something amazing happened. I wasn’t sitting in church, or by a tree – no Bhudda or Jesus appeared to me. I was driving to the shops after having some awesome revelations about my past and why I react to things in a certain way – the light-bulb literally switched on brighter than it has since I was a child. Happily looking out the car window, I suddenly just felt warm and light and free- it was as if I had just been slapped with happiness. Not the happiness that you feel when you win a prize, not a happiness that’s connected to ego or goals or the arrogant of feeling you have it all, a lover or work- just pure simple joy!

I felt a peace that I have spoken about wishing for a lot in the last year – recently when people asked me what I wanted in life I didn’t say happiness (which of course I want- but the world is both happy and sad that’s a given), I replied peace of mind. Today when I was driving I felt literally enveloped by peace of mind that had me shed some tears of joy – I haven’t cried tears of joy ever – it was awesome! Some call it enlightenment or bliss but I think it’s finding that moment of happiness from within…

I feel as if I have been turned fully on to life and once that happens you don’t go back, from now on its forward even through the bad because if I listen to my soul any choice I make regarding external stuff will be choices made not in fear but in hope and light.